much ado about nothing/i'm doing nothing.

it's hot and stuffy, i'm bored waiting for people who may or may not appear, trying hard to make my green tea frapp last longer...so here's this:

i think it's the accumulation of fatigue and sorts that's made me more irritable than usual. this grouchiness has been in town for some time already actually. haha i want the blase old me back, hazed and unfazed. haha anywhoo.

received a really nice surprise in the mail yesterday. it was a postcard from nietz! hope you're having fun by the way. i promise promise and thrice promise we'll have a holiday together soon, maybe next summer kay. i'll say no to any holiday committments and be free to fly. i'll start by practising my 'No's now (:

as i was saying the other day to the parentals. i don't think i'll follow the fad and hold a themed 21st birthday party. or even have a party at all for that matter. haha i mean think about it, if you're the host, you're obliged to play the gracious hostess on YOUR beeeg birthday. You have to flit from group to group make sure everyone's fed, hydrated, entertained, included. ugh too tiring. we're already doing that on a day to day basis. SO MY 21st BIRTHDAY should be celebrated by friends FOR me. divalicious (: a surprise birthday party would be nice, time to start planning shit peoples! and btw, i still want a puppy. heh 5 months to go! time's a ticking.

andddddddddd i can't think of what else to say.

w(hee)ii

hahahahhaha i love my wii fit fitness instructor. she's simply the most encouraging virtual person i've ever known. literally. i'm on my way to being a yoga master! woo. albeit only in the virtual world...but never you mind. 'try to keep your balance within the yellow circle. you're doing a good job! you've got great posture.' WOOHOO teacher's pet, anyone?

omg fml.

enroute 30 musing

How can we place so much trust in the underground subway system, to send us to destinations and places, safely. How, despite newsflashes and headlines of plane crashes and wreckages we board, buckle our seatbelts and look forward to the inflight entertainment. How do i and yet not have faith in there being a some one who alledgedly promises so much more?

Is it about taking the gamble, opening my heart and mind, just taking the plunge, and 'what have i to lose'?

moving...moved.

it's amazing how much clutter you can amass in the course of ONE year.

and now the contents of one year are packed neatly (somewhat) in ikea boxes.

transportable.

one.

i hate laundry. i hate DOING laundry. explain this to me: if there are washing machines and dryers, why hasn't anyone invented a machine that folds your clothes for you? surely all the physicists and engineers and whatever else can divert their attention towards this clear necessity.

two.

i think i need to have the samsara song on repeat. probably need to eat, drink, dream it too. HOW TO BE LIKE A BALINESE DANCER?

i'm freaking sleepy.

so byebye!

lynette wonders when she started turning into a PMS-ing, overanalytical, insecure, needy, overly emotional, possessive, demanding, psychotic BITCH.

there has to be a turning point somewhere right? 

right?!

on the UPSIDE-i've started reading my book (: 

hor-lee-daezzz (:

by virtue of the fact that this post is dated a day after my last paper, it's granted a HAPPY FACE :) at the very start of the entry. YAY summer hols are hereeeeeeeee!! it feels all too surreal that a whole year has passed, one whole year of boring  lectures i drag my feet to, sleepy tutorials, an entire year of riding bus D and getting off at wrong bus stops, and... of new friendships made. i've semi-officially made it through to year 2, no matter my CAP. whee. i don't necessarily feel any older or wiser, just more tired. BUT TIRED CAN WAIT WHEN IT'S THE HORLEEDAEZ! 

and because it's the holidays and i'm pretty much bored at home with nothing to do! i'm here to inject life into this sad pathetic ex-blog. go me! sooooooooooo i started out the holidays with the beach. me and mel are finally putting our islander card membership to good use, we're planning to make up for lost time before the card expires this july. anyhow, the tanning session resulted in me with a horrible tan line. but i have pictures! 

blahblahblahi'mtoofreakinglazytoelaborateso--

1)need to sign up for driving lessons! screw. not something i'm looking forward to :/ life would be so much easier if i could just have my very own chauffeur who answers to my bell. sweeettttt :)

2)hall stuff YAY. not a tinge of sarcasm there, really!

3)i need to read. i don't think i've picked up a non-module-related book since...before school started. almost a year ago. i've probably forgotten how to read paragraphs, after a year of powerpoint slides and bullet points.

4)get my life back. this is a SOS, for real. i think i've started progress today already, with mel--suntanning and retail therapy.

and i don't know what else. distracted, can't think, can't be bothered to think. half-assed entry but oh wells. SYB! (:

random (numbers)

induced-fit model

we can't all have our ideals and eat it, with ice cream on the side.

we compromise, and we settle, we swallow misgivings and change to better fit.

i'm finding it hard to trust in what seems like a trust fall. 

but i'm already half way down.

i need a holiday from real.

sometimes 'cheer up' just doesn't cut it

February. Get ink, shed tears.
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing,
While torrential slush that roars
Burns in the blackness of the spring.

-Boris Pasternak

not the most encouraging of poems but it does feed my self-indulgence.
heehee.
OMG i just realized. how apt--its february this month too!

its funny how self-doubt slowly creeps in then permeating, and filling your whole person.
you might laugh it off at first, joining in with the others
then maybe your posture changes, from the self-consciousnes you adopt a hunch
by then you start to question if you were ever good enough
and maybe you just learn to give up

sometimes i can't make it alone

i've always been good at faking normalcy, what's different this time?

OMT. i was looking through this really old blog of mine and was utterly appalled and embarrassed by the way the 13 year old me used to type. stuff like 'mi', 'kewl', 'realli', 'haf' and the list of crimes goes on. ugh. shudders.

I AM DISGUSTED BY MYSELF.

and heh, i'm supposed to be doing something productive aka something that contributes to the positive increment in my CAP.

anddd i probably don't say this enough, but i LOVE my bffs ((:

dear xray machine pretend you don't know me so well

music: plane-jason mraz
mood: boredoutofmyfreakingmind

there's a billion other things i should be doing right now, and all related to school but--

from some time ago:
sometimes i wish i could just lose myself in a crowd,
become just another nameless, blurred face.
sometimes i wish i could just forget myself.

andddddd i realise, i don't know anything anymore! bleh second guessing should be a cardinal sin and maybe then i'd do it less.

Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at that time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie or a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electricity bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, the deeper sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.
-odd hours, dean koontz

wow. i want to love like that.

hippo!crite

music: melt my heart to stone-adele
mood: happy

hahahahhahahahah its been EONS since i last blogged. so i guess i kinda need to eat my words 'blogging is so passe'

im in love with this song! i think it'll be nice to curl up in bed with a good book and this song on repeat.

Right under my feet there's air
Made of bricks, pulls me down
Turns me weak
For you I find myself
Repeating like a broken tune

school's started and hall never stopped. but it's not so bad, yet. heh and i mighttttttt have already broken one of my new year's resolutions: to attend all lectures. ahhh screw.

BUT highlight of my week: met up with BFF ah ting on wednesday. we're now known as The 10-12 Brunch Clique in a bid to inject more 'fun' into our lives, or lack thereof. it was pretty funny how two borderline 20 yearolds just sat jaded in the middle of the arts canteen, completely envious of a 17 yearold boy/kid. we both agreed we need more spontaneity in our lives..and maybe a driving licence would help.

OMG I BOUGHT A PINK TSHIRT. WILLINGLY. shudders. okay, in my defense there weren't any other colour combi options left andddddddd it is a cute shirt. it has FREAK emblazoned across. heehee. cuteeeeeeee (:

sometimes. i feel not-quite-lost. does that even make sense? haha. like, i'm merely cruising through life without actually taking hold of the wheel. i've picked the easiest course, the one that has my future pretty much mapped out, all nice and neat for me. my modules are largely allocated to me, it's a direct honours programme, there are only so many career options..everything is so safe. safe is good, but i feel like i've placed my life under anti-depressants. haha maybe i should just go skydiving some day soon.

anyways. CHINESE NEW YEAR IS HERE. hahaha
chinese new year:
+pineapple tarts
+money
+no school
-annoying extended relatives that apparently i'm related to
so all in all, chinese new year=good times.

i still can't believe i'm blogging.

wheee semi-celebratory post.
semi because exams are semi over..monday,7pm!
fuck yeah (:
OKAY BYE.

and i'm ready to come down
and see us both somehow
on the beautiful side of somewhere, baby

i've fallen in love
with this adorably cute puppy in this pet shop
i think toy poodles are the SHIT!
aww puppies just make you melt into a puddle of warmth and puppy-ness
again, i'm here because i'm trying to avoid 'our atmosphere: a chemical perspective'
and finals have officially started and i'm wondering where the semester went?
i feel like time was stolen from right under my nose
and i want it back terribly so
so my first paper was yesterday, a saturday MORNING if i may add
and i finished the paper in half the time allocated
and spent the next half just praying for divine intervention
or sudden enlightenment
but nope, nothing
and i've all these other half-thoughts swimming about in my head
half-thoughts because i don't really want to think about them
let alone put them down in words
but it's starting to feel very cluttered up there in my head
okay bye.

brainspeak

OMFG I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

OKAY SO I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

BUT I'M NOT DOING WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, ACCORDINGLY TO MY PAINSTAKINGLY PLANNED AND DETAILED STUDY TIMETABLE.

SCREWWWW.

SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW.

HMM. SUBWAY COOKIES SOUND NICE.

pre-tautomerism

music: when it rains-paramore
mood: lazy

and when it rains,
on this side of town it touches everything

it's currently pouring outside my window.

the perfect weather to sleep in, but i have this thing called finals which are pretty much soon.
whatakilljoy.

talked to baowu a few days back ( i think? im losing track of my days) and i really really supremely extremely miss her ): i'd almost forgotten how entertaining she is. heh

i'm here typing this pointless entry simply because i don't really want to start on tautomerism. haha i'm not even sure that's how you spell it, but. it's slightly scary how most of my notes are empty and the slides are definitely not self-explanatory. i have post-its with 'WHAT?!' all over.

oh the weekend was much needed. i spent time with family, ate shitloads of food, went rollerblading (i thinkkkkk i bladed 10km. apparently i should go pro) basically got ready for hall and school again.

is it just me or do our birthday wishlists get shorter as we get older? it's not that we want less, but that we want more intangible things. things not on departmental shelves or with a price tag.

say goodnight and go.

i miss home.
a lot.
and all of a sudden.
anddd i don't know why ):

okay maybe i do.
running was always the easiest. especially if it's in the opposite direction.

OMFG. the exams are soon.
on the upside, my birthday is soon-er (((:
i want a puppy. heh